We want to hear your story, here is mine: Valentine's Day

                                                                            Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day has always been one of my favorite holidays. I love glitter and the colors pink and red. The love and romance. The flowers, and of course Chocolate. When I was a little girl, my dad would get my sisters and I a box of Whitman’s Chocolates and a card for Valentine’s Day Every. Single. Year. Fun fact: He unknowingly got me the same card 3 years in a row. When I adulted and had kids of my own, I decorated our home without fail and got the kids gifts. We would always pick up a heart shaped pizza for dinner and I would make some type of fancy dessert.

On February 14th, 2023, I was planning to take my 17-year-old son out to lunch and to get him a pedicure. It is incomprehensible how your life can completely change in the blink of an eye.  One minute I’m sitting on my couch and scrolling through my phone eating cookies, looking forward to spending time with Jaiden.  Next thing I knew, I was administering Narcan and doing CPR on him. I tried so hard to resuscitate him. Unfortunately, I was too late. After waiting outside in the cold for several hours while the narcotics detectives investigated, I was able to give him a kiss and say goodbye before watching in utter disbelief as he was zipped up into a body bag and loaded in the coroner’s vehicle. His Valentines treats left untouched on the kitchen table.  Easily the absolute worst day of my life.  A mom’s worst nightmare.

Now, as soon as Christmas is over, and all the Valentine’s Day candies, and décor show up in the stores, my soul gets unbearably heavy with grief, guilt and dread.  My chest hurts and it’s difficult to breathe at times. Just getting out of bed and going to work each day becomes almost more than I can handle.  I would prefer to curl up in a ball and sleep through the month of February until all the decorations, cards, and chocolates are put away out of sight. (Well, maybe not chocolate) However, if you were to come into my home, you would not know the sadness and traumatic memories Valentine’s Day brings with it.

From the heart rug on our patio to the conversation heart window decals in our front window, we are all decked out in Valentine’s décor because I have a sweet 7-year-old daughter who deserves better. Celebrating Valentine’s Day brings her happiness and that is the least I can do. This innocent little girl has already been through so much. The day I lost a son; she lost a brother. She was at school for a Valentine’s Day party that day.  When she came home, I had to sit her down and tell her that while she was at school, her brother’s heart stopped beating and he went to heaven. She would not be able to see him again. As I told her this, she smiled…not understanding the finality of death. In fact, she has just recently stopped asking when we can go to the hospital and see her “Bubba”. My heart breaks for this sweet little girl. So, if she wants Valentine’s decorations, she is going to get them. Even if I’m wiping tears away as I hang them. And maybe just maybe, with the making of new memories and witnessing the joy of Valentine’s Day through her eyes, MY heart can start to heal and find some semblance of joy again. I know that is what Jaiden would want.